when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
