I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
