Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
