Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
