her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
