turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
