in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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