Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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