i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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