my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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