This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
