Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
