We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
