either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
