Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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