Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
