Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
