Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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