I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
