it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
