I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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