Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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