I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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