Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Two words: nipple clamps
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