After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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