Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
