it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
