Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
