if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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