One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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