I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
