You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
