Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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