So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
