i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
