The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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