My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
