Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
