So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
