I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
