i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
