If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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