Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
