So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
