I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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