i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
