so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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