My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
