My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
