My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
