Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
