I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He kissed a someone with a penis
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
