Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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